if i can run in heels then i can drive
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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