history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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