Too much gin, very little bucket
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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