Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
birth control should be required to get into college
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
