new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
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her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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