I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
