a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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