Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
