Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
