There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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