Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I wish there were birth control emojis
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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