bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
