i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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