Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
