you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
