I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
3 2 1 whiskey
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
