More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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