I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
