Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my phone needs a breathalizer
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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