I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
