the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
