Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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