New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
