my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
