I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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