so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
