If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
