I skipped work to stalk him.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
