i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
