You can't motorboat a personality
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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