dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
