May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
