My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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