Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
