I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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