We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
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