So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
