Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
