Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Man, jail baloney is awful.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
sick fucks of a feather flock together
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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