when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Randomize
