I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
