I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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