If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
