woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
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I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
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(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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