Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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