I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
