I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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