I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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