i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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