Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
