Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
