I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
