theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
operation have a gay friend backfired
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
