she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
