My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
