You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
