i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
