Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
