I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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