i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
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i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
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Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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